My little love story

I had quite a few battles with myself throughout last year, especially during the second half of the year. I was busy and i felt like i was neglecting my friends, my boyfriend and myself and i hated it and did not know what to do but to keep going on with the year. I learnt so much and felt like i grew inside but was thankful when it was over. 2011 sure was a memorable year both the good and hard times. We all have our challenging times and moments, I lost my usually strong mind for a while something i had never really experienced in this way before, thankfully it only lasted 2-3 months but i learnt so much from it and so much about myself.

There were many things on my mind during that time. I broke up with my boyfriend before the mid year break and did not realise how much the relationship meant to me until it was over. The old saying 'you don't know what you have until it is gone' is cliche but so true. It felt the same when i felt like i was neglecting my friends, i missed them so much. In terms of how i was feeling after my breakup i had to let it out and started to write how i felt over the 6 months when we were just 'friends'. I stopped writing once we were back together again and regard what i wrote as my 'love story'. 4 months on i have not yet written one about being back together and how i feel, i must do this :) Here are a few and a good poem 'Desiderata'... 

Sorry.

I’m sorry, I wish I could change. I want to change myself, why can’t I just take a chance and not be so scared? 

I’m sorry I didn’t know what I had. I’m sorry I was so stubborn. I’m sorry I was so blind. I wish I could turn back time and have a second chance to show you how I really feel. I’m learning, I have learnt a lot and I wish I didn’t feel like I have spent the past 6 months running away from what I want most.

I hope one day you will forgive me. I knew it all along, I wasn't ready then but I want to be ready now. Next time I will be ready. I want to change and I will change. Will I ever get a second chance? God, please let me get that second chance, I believe in it I just have to.

Or else please let this pain go away. I will show you how I have changed. And one day, I hope what is meant to be will be.

I’m sorry.

Hoping.

Do you ever think about whether one day we could still be something more than friends?

I find myself thinking and praying that one day I will have another chance, a second chance to make it up to you and be what you truly deserve. I am changing I can feel it, not changing myself or who I am or what I value in life, but changing how I apply that in life and resetting priorities and working to find that ultimate balance. I know it is still early in the semester to tell how much I am making this semester different but I believe I am working to making it better, and if I believe it I know I can do it.

Yet I am finding myself counting down and celebrating finishing each day. I know I should cherish each day and make the most of what I have, but each day gone is closer to the semester finishing where I can truly change my circumstance and truly apply what I have learnt about life. And each day is one day closer to the possibility of being with you again. I have to believe it will happen as I have never felt like this before and need to hold onto the hope you might be feeling the same even if you choose to ignore it. I value the decision to stay friends but I find myself waiting and wanting to cross paths with you, always looking at you and wishing I was constantly by your side. I am looking for any indication of a second chance and I am wishing upon every star that it may happen.

Dreaming.

It’s such a beautiful afternoon, I walk along Matilda Bay but cannot resist simply sitting by the water, listening to the bells on the yachts, the waves lightly splash the wall, the laughter of families and their dogs behind me, soaking up the rays of the sun. But it reminds me of summer and in all the beauty of the afternoon I only find myself wishing I was sitting on this seat next to you enjoying it together. Then we would lay out a rug and I would lie on your lap simply enjoying your company, maybe telling a few jokes, making remarks about nothing in particular, just simply being with you.

"We are all a little weird, but life's also a little weird...when we find someone who's weirdness is compatible with your own, you join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love"

A lost child.

I feel like a little child again. I cannot help but try watching your every move, except when I may be found doing so. I’m watching for any sign, any indication, that you may still like me, like a little girl in primary school first learning the signs of an interested other. It’s like the moment you realise that game of kiss-chasing no longer becomes a game of running from ‘cooties’ from your friends, but a game where you realise that person you may be chasing or who is chasing you isn’t actually trying to give you cooties but is trying to show you they like you enough to want to give you a kiss – and you learnt o read the signs.

I miss being younger. No one rarely had secrets or hidden feelings. We were so open, so free and so honest. If you had an opinion about something or someone, you would tell your friend or the person sitting next to you and soon the whole room would know. But you wouldn’t care as it is better to let it out, the process of keeping something inside and bottling it up would only end up in an explosion. Being so honest you knew who your friends were and who weren’t, you learnt quickly and you had the opportunity to adapt to situations right then and there. Were we wiser when we were younger?

Adulthood is hard. They tell you to wait for the right moment to say how you feel, the right moment to take the action. But how do you know whenit is the right moment? What defines the right moment? What if you miss it waiting for it? If you have a thought or a feeling say it out loud and be honest and true not just to others but to yourself as well. Is this why we have such large rates of depression and suicide because no one talks? No one says how they really feel? Is holding back such a wise trait to have??

There are some things in life you can’t do by yourself. We are all made to help each other out, we are all in this world together and are all in each other’s lives together. So why can’t we be honest to each other and help one another work through thoughts, feelings and actions which we may be holding in our minds, bottling up until we explode? I feel like a little child, and I also feel like the lost child. I no longer have the freedom to simply say what I want and what I need to say. I no longer have the freedom to show the honestly I was once so openly allowed to show. I am expected to find this opportune moment, or else lose themoment forever, never knowing whether the right moment is now or if I have past it or if it is still to come. Never knowing what could have been and simply relying on hop of what could be. And now I am lost with what to do. I want to be the mature person I am expected to be and take my feelings in my stride with my head up high and keep moving forward. But I also want to go back and be the little child I was once allowed to be, the child who is so honest and open and can say what she needs to say at the time she needs to say it, in this moment we have now.

Who is to say what is to happen tomorrow? We can hope, but in all reality we do not know. And if something was to change which meant you have lost the opportunity and lost the moment which will now never come, you may never forgive yourself. I want to tell you how I feel. On the outside I am happy, on the outside I seem fine, and must I now congratulate myself that my so called wisdom into adulthood has been perfected? But inside I am screaming. I want to have the strength I once did to be open and honest. If this so called ‘wise’ opportunity I seem to be so desperately waiting for is lost, I would never forgive myself.

I am again the little child but this time I am lost.

‘This was the very first page, not where the story line ends.’

Coping.

I have developed a love for my keyboard. In all honesty i am not good at reading the music, I just love the sound. I can be an emotional person I know that of myself, but I also know I like to hide it from people, except those closest to me who can tell the small signs of when something is not quite right. I love to channel emotions through my running too. Whether you are stressed, happy, worried or excited, running can express all emotions you can feel, running to me is another form of music and expression.

'L'amore e una farfalla, se la stringi troppo, muore, troppo pocco e vola via’ – Love is like a butterfly, hold it too tight and it will crush, hold it too loose and it will fly away.... I held you too loose.

Starting over.

In a way it is like we are starting all over again. I feel like the girl who has a bad crush on a wonderful guy and do not know if he likes me in return or how to know whether to make a move or not. Except this time I know what it would be like to be with the guy, I would know what to do to make sure it is a good relationship and what to look out for in the tough times and how to get over them stronger than before.

3 and a half months. That is how long the beautiful or chid you have given me has lasted. I was sad, of the 6 flowers which had opened up there is but one left, limp on the end. But would you believe it, the orchid after all this time now has 5 new buds growing! To me it is my sign of starting again. The last limped flower will fall in the next few days, but within the next few weeks the buds will start to open as though it is a new beginning. It is my symbol and my hope that it is telling me about us, telling me that there will be a new beginning, a fresh start, and I am holding onto that.

Do you remember that poem you wrote me for my birthday? I love it. You said beauty is like the rustling of leaves caught in the moonlight silhouette, the way the flickering fire becomes a dancing pirouette. 

I miss you.

Flowers and petals. 

You gave me the orchid for our 6 months in May, those flowers lasted 3 and a half months and now 4 months later there are a whole new lot of flowers, 2 have bloomed and 3 are still buds. If these last as long as the ones before they will last maybe another 2 months. Even if it does not make the 10 weeks until the end of semester, I am making a promise to myself. The day the last petal falls off the orchid, I will give myself 3 days. In these 3 days I will either tell you how I feel, or in a more subtle way ask you if you think there is still a chance we can get back together again and have another shot. If I get rejected that’s ok, I know I tried and I have the summer break at home to have time to move on. If you show any sign of feeling the way I feel, I am keeping that last petal as though it is your heart and I am holding it so close to mine, I don’t want to let it go.

I’m scared.

What if we hardly see each other next year? With all our 4^th year rotations and only being with 30 or so people for the whole year, if we are not in the same group will I get to see you? I don’t want to see you any less than how much I am seeing you around now because that is too little as it is. I feel empty when I don’t see you and when you are not around and I’m scared if nothing happens to change it that it will only get worse.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive

for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Find the beauty of giving to others,

But realise not all that you give will go to plan.

Do not forget to give to yourself,

For then your heart can fix the flaws of man.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

Snowflake.

And so I told you, even before the last petal had fallen, even before the last flower had even opened. Was it the right moment? I don’t know. But then again how do we know what is the right moment, maybe that particular moment we are waiting for will never actually come unless we make it. I made it as I could not have waited for it any longer, I could not have held it in anymore. I hope I didn’t scare you, I hope you understand how I had to get it out. But I still have no idea what you are thinking, not before and even not now.

But then I saw a look in your eyes, was it a sign that was real or one which I made out of hope? Either way when I saw it, I melted. Like a snowflake in the sun my form was being lost, but only in the hope to be formed again in a new shape. It is this new shape that will be clearer, sharper and more beautiful, being formed by the essence of my feelings for you.

Snowflakes one of the Earth’s natural wonders can only be formed through differing temperatures as they fall through the atmosphere and pierce the sky. They mimic the diverse experiences and pressures which life can bring which help shape us to become what we are and what we will be. Although I have melted, the only uncertainty when will I get to reshape or more importantly if I get to reshape at all? You are the atmosphere, and it is your thoughts and your own feelings which will determine what shape I will become. Will you let me reform for you? Do you want me to reform? Or will this drop which I have melted into remain or become evaporated into the atmosphere and lost never to reform again?

The fact that I told you before the last flower opens gives me a last burst of hope. They say the last flower to bloom is often the most beautiful of all, one which has patiently grown to ensure it does not rush its process but reflects the true value and the true beauty of patience. And so this last flower as it opens gives me hope that it will symbolise a beautiful and worthwhile part of life that is to come. There is a lesson this melted snowflake must learn from the flower, and that is to be patient as it falls through the sky, as with this patience it may become the most beautiful shape it can be. I know face a different kind of patience, one which is out of my hands. I have done what I could not leave for any longer and turned my patience into an action, now I will be patient again and wait for you, wait for your thoughts and wait to discover if there is something more, something of shape and something worth all patience to come.

And what if that look was pity, what if it was a sign of sympathy for me as though you have something to tell me which you know will hurt which is why you will not tell me what you are thinking or how you feel. If I am waiting because you like someone else, please just rip the bandaid off and tell me!

“When you’re faced with little daily choices, form the habit of making the right decisions – the honest and loving ones. Then when you’re faced with a really tough decision, you’ll tend to make the right choice then too.”

RPM... good for the body and soul!

I finally tried an RPM class this morning! I have done SPIN at UWA but RPM is the original Lesmils workout tracks compared to the mix and match tracks the instructor can make in SPIN. But i loved it. The instructor was David and right away he made the atmosphere amazing, we would warm up focusing on our correct posture, imagine ourselves pumping up hills and racing opponents with intervals and he encouraged us all the way. I was feeling worked but in the best sense and i was having fun at the same time :) It is also a great workout to do as a cross training method for running to work different muscles and to prevent injuries.

But the instructor there also said some things which inspired me and made a great start to the day. His view of determination motivated us - a concentrated mind achieves more than strength alone. And this can be applied to everything, the mind is the most powerful tool to achieving what it is you want. If you can see it and you believe it then you can achieve it, so long as you also take the steps to work towards what it is you see.

He also funnily enough talked about love in the hardest mountain climb tracks. Love is when you take a challenge of your choice, love is when you conquer a challenge and love is when you give your maximum capacity and give your all (to something or someone). It was a slightly different perspective but one i will remember and use.

Well it has been a lovely long weekend off uni, i even managed to move towards fulfilling one of my new years resolutions to be less self conscious by wearing my first full bikini to the beach! it was a lovely day in the sun too :) But we start lectures at uni tomorrow, i have a feeling the intensity will slowly creep up and by next weekend we will not have so much freedom, but i have enjoyed it while it has lasted, i absolutely love having more time to catch up with my friends and spend time with my boyfriend away from uni. But as the year progresses i will keep the balance, i am determined to and no matter how many times i deviate, i will get back to balancing all that i do.

My moral compass

Isn't it amazing how little unexpected moments in life can change you or guide you when you least expect it. Sometimes you are looking for it and sometimes you are not, or sometimes like in this case you know there is something you are looking for but not sure what it is until you actually find it. I found it in a random bookstore in Mount Lawley after a nice dinner date with a wonderful friend. I love little books of inspiration, ones that can guide you in life, pick you up and help you believe in yourself and your life. This book i picked up was 'The little book of Happiness' and the page that got me was a cartoon picture of a compass but with a person as the pointer, written next to it was 'Have a moral compass'. It was so simple but brilliant and i must give it a go!

I have a weakness of beating myself up inside about the decisions i make, no matter what i decide i manage to convince myself to feel guilty about not taking the other choice for simple everyday things in life and it can drive me crazy. Maybe i try to please too many people at once and as such i never know how to please myself and think i fail at pleasing others and it gets confusing. Sometimes its nice to hear a stronger voice say to you 'no you made the right decision!' that strong voice came from my sister the other day when i voiced my thoughts about feeling guilty for one particular choice even when it was such a small thing i should not be worrying about. Maybe it shows i care but i care too much? All the same it just highlights how important it is to talk to people about how you are feeling to hear another set of strong words which are not from your own mind and c

an help you to be in a better frame of mind. But back to the moral compass, i am going to create my own in which i can follow to help guide my decisions through what i value and believe in in life, and then i will know if i stick to my moral compass then i cannot beat myself up about my decisions no matter how big or small as they will have been chosen to help me get the most out of everything and every path in life.

So the big question is what is my true north? If i was to list my values in life and who i want to be the list would look like this...

Generosity

Friendly

Helpful

Encouraging

Enthusiastic

Healthy and Fit

Optimistic

Dedicated

Balanced

The last one is a big one, balanced. It covers so much in life, balance of your relationships and family and friends, balance with work, study, finances, balance in foods, exercise, treats... basically life is a balance. My best friend put her life in a pie chart a while ago which gave a proportion of the pie to each part of life which was individually valued. Mine might look a little like this...

I would like to improve this a lot. Yes my studies and medicine is a full time course but it should not take over time in relationships and spending time with people around you who you love whether friends, family or partner. I can improve this and use my time more wisely to work hard but also to work hard on my relationships by making time for them to grow. While i value education and knowledge especially when it leads to helping others, what is the point of having an education and experiences while learning if you have no one to share it with?

My fitness is my freedom, my passion and is basically what helps make me. It helps me to deal with things in life, to celebrate, to release anger and frustration, to calm myself down, to test and challenge myself, you can get so much out of exercise both mentally and physically. If i could do it with friends more that would be amazing, it is a large proportion of my time but when it makes me happy and defines who i am and what i believe in should it be something i alter?

So maybe my true north is not a value itself but rather a set of questions i must answer in order to know what decision is right based on the values in my chart whilst considering those around me.

1. Have/Am i doing enough to keep myself well and happy?

2. Have/Am i contributing to those around me to be well and happy?

3. Am i taking opportunities which may not come again?

They don't seem to be very complex questions really but more holistic and general. I wish they could be more specific but in reality every situation is different and these questions can apply to every situation. But i think based on everything said here i know what my true North should be, love.

The verse from 1 Corithians 13.4 sticks in my mind from the days i use to go to church regularly - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast and it is not proud.

If i combine love and balance then i should make the right decision. Love and look after myself, love my health and fitness, love my friends and family, love my boyfriend, love my studies and what i do and i will know when i feel that sense of enjoyment for loving what i do then i have made the right decision. As for balancing life, that does come with practice and the pie chart is a good indication of what dominates your life at the moment and as you go through life and learn from your decisions it is a great tool to have to see how your decisions change your outlook on which parts in life become more important than the other and you can work towards changing the proportion of time of different parts in your life.

So love, you will be my true North.

Facing little fears

Wow i am staring to feel like half a doctor!! Its day 3 of our first week back and our practical training sessions have been so interesting learning basic skills for the hospitals! Our first morning consisted of a few talks from coordinators about the year ahead. My stomach gave a little churn of excitement and nerves when they talked about the hospitals, 'as fourth year medical students entering the hospitals you are basically at the bottom of the food chain, but patients will look at you and see you as 'almost doctors' and ask you many questions and may expect certain things from you', in this situation we would explain to them our position and advise them to consult their actual doctor or nurse, but still the prospect of being treated as an 'almost doctor' gives me goosebumps!

That afternoon as we started our practical training sessions i had urinary catheterisation, we had 2 lovely Plasticine models Willy and Regina who were our 'victims'. The actual process was quite straight forward, the tricky part was opening the bag of equipment and keeping everyt

hing sterile, there is certainly an art to it! It was good to see they are very pedantic about reading and checking the dates and concentration of the solutions which were to be used and recording them and the batch numbers down, patients are certainly in safe hands there! They covered all areas of concern, one included what happens when you are catheterising a male and they have an erection, in that case it would be more embarrassing for the male then us doing the procedure, so we just pretend we are oblivious to the fact, and wait a few

minutes for it to pass whilst talking to the patient, then continuing with the procedure, simple.

My next one was patient handling, basically a 2 week course combined into 2 hours! It was so useful though, how to move patients from beds, get them to sit up and down and all in a way which doesn't strain our back, one thing i learn (and loved!) was the fact that tai chi is extremely useful as it is basically how you move your legs and arms in a flowing motion that transfers your weight and the weight of the patient in swift motions. We were giving a manual which i was so happy about to read over and remember how to do all the

moves, definitely useful for the future!! Being a medical student a lot of our training relies on us to use our initiative, they teach us the basic procedures in limited time and it is up to us to then apply them to different situations, even with something simple with patient movements, hence why we had a 2 week course crammed into 2 hours!!

My third class was resuscitation.... wow!! It went over the basics of our first aid course but further expanded this to the hospital situation. We were given many scenarios with the manikkin which the instructor told us. It was exciting to learn all the different roles each person who arrives at the scene of a cardiac arrest follows, and interesting to have the scenarios with different ways a cardiac arrest could happen. We had the hospital type defibrillators out and used them, assessing the manikkans rhythm which changed at the press of a button from the nurse (Nick) who was instructing us and we were guided what to do

in the different situations. It was very handy that the defibrillator would assess the rhythm of the heart and would advise us to shock based on whether there was a shockable rhythm (e.g. asystole, ventricular fibrillation or a pulseless Ventricular tachycardia) or non-shockable. We also learnt how to put in a guedel to open up the airways and use a mask for breathing for the patient. We were advised to get our own patient mask to carry around with us where ever we go in case it is needed. One thing of note is DR ABC has become DRS ABCD - Danger, Response, SEND FOR HELP, Airway, Breathing and Circulation. I am going to make up a flow chart with scenarios for myself and certain situations to go over what you do in each one. The room set out was sort of like this internet picture i found but we had a different hospital defibrillator and unfortunately we weren't wearing scrubs!

And today... i finally took blood!!! it has been one thing i have been nervous and a little scared about and i have finally done it! We were divided into groups of 4 surrounding a dentistry chair as we were learning at the Oral Health Centre of WA otherwise known as OHCWA (OC-WA). Of course first we were taken through the process step by step, patient identification and hand hygiene is emphasised many times and we learnt the order of 4 tubes - orange/yellow first (anticoagulant tube), the blue (Citrate tube), then green (Heparin?) and Purple last with EDTA in it. I was wondering how i would go taking blood from someone, i have had an episode of fainting a few years ago and am not too good with needles in me but that is a rashional fear most people have, i will not let it hinder me from becoming a doctor! but like most things exposure to what you fear is what helps you overcome that fear and the first few times are the hardest but it will get easier. Taking blood today i found it so much better than having blood taken from me, i felt clearer in my mind on the process unlike in the chair as a patient, i was focused on the job at hand and it is so much better not waiting for the prick! The four people i was with were amazing, yes they did well taking blood but amazing in terms of how we all talked to each other to calm one another down. Our theme turned out to be the Hokey Pokey of all things! But it is such a catchy song to sing so long as the one in the chair doesn't shake their arms and legs while being bled! But it is something i will remember and use when i take blood from patients, if not the hokey pokey i will find a nursery rhyme everyone generally knows so we can sing and take the persons mind off the actual process at hand. My first time i tried, my 'patient' had smaller veins which made the first time harder but i missed the vein and felt a little deflated when no blood came into the tube, but the second time i had a guy with nice big veins and i was so happy to actually get blood out!! The instructor was so good and assisted us to ensure we did not harm each other or move the needle around too much which we were all grateful for. Apparently i have text book veins, not sure if that is an advantage or not but i'll take any help when people are taking my blood. So the next step is to go to the hospitals and book in for some sessions with phlebotomists around the hospital... and ASAP before the year gets too busy. I am keen to practice so i can become good at taking blood!

We have Australia Day off tomorrow which is a nice break, then my last practical session for this week is asepsis, injections and cannulation, thankfully we are using models :)

Ready for Chapter Four

I can't believe i am back in Perth, moved into my Perth home Trinity College for the fourth year in a row, my how time flies!

I don't know what to expect about this year, for one thing it will be a whole new experience in terms of our studies. We are going around hospital this year and focusing on General Medicine, Psychiatry, Geriatrics/Musculoskeletal and Surgery in different hospitals around Perth. I'm excited but also a little daunted about the prospect, considering our first 3 weeks we learn catherisation, phlebotomy and a number of basic skills which we start off learning by practicing on ourselves. But when i think about it what is the thing that daunts me? The prospect of hurting someone with the needle or not being confident enough to use the needles? i can get over these little fears, i am going to become a doctor, it may seems daunting like the first time we had a diabetes lab and had to prick ourselves with lancets to get blood sample, but its all a step wise progression to the bigger practical parts we will learn as we go further. I am halfway to becoming a doctor, we've done 3 years of theory now its time to put some theory into practice! It will be a steep learning curve to adapt to the clinical practice but it will be rewarding too. It will get hard but i will push through.

Other things are different this year too. I have moved up through the Trinity facilities and now being in my fourth year am sharing a unit with my friend also studying med. This is exciting as its like a step towards moving out of college, we have a kitchen to cook meals when we like and a living area and a TV! We get along well together and talk through any little differences, we have been through 3 years of med together and i have no doubt we will go through our many years of doctoring ahead together.

I feel a little lost though with what this year will bring. I have my goals and resolutions i will try to achieve, i have an amazing boyfriend who i hope to spend more time with, i have my running and fitness goals which i know i will work to achieve but i also have fear. Last year i took on the role of being Trinity community and environment resident adviser which gave me amazing opportunities and was a great experience, and while it was what i have always wanted to do and is what i believe in in terms of helping the environment and community, the role was not me. I am quite an independent person, and while i value helping others and everyone around me, i learnt that in that role i took on i helped others too much. While that sounds selfish it is not. I also need to take care of myself, look after all aspect of my life including family, friends, my boyfriend, my general health and fitness and of course my mind. I don't want to make the same mistakes as i did last year. I thought it was going to be the year of my life, and it was, but not in the way i thought it would be and i learnt lots. But its OK to have a little bit of fear because fear is what enables us to realise the value of the things around us and in our life. While i'm scared of the immediate future, i'm also scared of the more distant future. It's so hard to know what is going to happen and how everything will turn out. All i can do is give everything and everyone my all, be myself, put my fear to the side and believe things happen for a reason and believe in my life.

Chapter Four, lets see what you will bring.

Home cooked pasta

Last day of the Summer break home, although most of it was spent packing i can tick off one of my new years goals to make home made pasta! it was a lot easier than i thought using a simple machine i had gotten mum for Christmas :) We combined flour, eggs, olive oil, water and salt and kneaded for 10 minutes or so, put it in the fridge and fed it through the pasta machine when it was time to cook! We had it with spaghetti meat sauce with home grown tomatoes and basil... yum!!

The finished product :) One of my favorite home cooked meals!

Longing

I miss the track. I miss the feeling of flying, of freedom as i run, i miss the energy and the vibes of the track and the people around you. I miss the excitement, the nerves and the exhilaration after you have finished a race. It is part of me and of who i am, i miss the track.

I was on track, but Bali, Geraldton and a virus and i have lost it, i'm off track, but is it really too late to try get back on it again? Can i get the determination and discipline to use what time i have left and give the end of the season a go?? It's Thursday January 19th, i have just got back into running around 5km at a slower pace, my speed is virtually non-existent and i'm about to enter a busy time of uni up in Perth, but lets face it what isn't a busy time in uni up in Perth?? Most runners are putting the fine touches on their training to prepare to states, not trying to get fit. WA States are on the 16th of March which gives me 56 days/8 weeks exactly. They say it only takes 6 weeks to get back up your fitness... how ever much that may be! So maybe it is possible, maybe i still have a chance, but realistically i'm not sure how much fitness exactly i could get back. I need to look at my training times from last season and see how fast i got back into it. I started in 2010 in July and ran a fast 800m in September, that was 2 and a half months/11weeks. I could do it, i could be smart, i could plan out every session specifically to get the most out of training but be smart in terms of cross training, over doing it and injuries. I could do it.

Where there is a will, there is a way. I miss the track, i have a will, can i find a way??

Roller coaster January

I'm not sure what it is about January, but it does not favor me. It always makes an interesting start to the year that is for sure!

My running was going so well, i was cutting my track times down to only a second off the training times i was doing this time last year and it felt good! Christmas was wonderful, we spent it home in Bunbury with the family and had our grandparents over from Busselton and of course ate so much wonderful food we had prepared! I was keeping up my training while also working at a Chemist up until the 29th of December where we were flying out to Bali! By we i mean myself, my boyfriend Kyle and 4 other friends. I had never gone on a holiday away from my family before so i was quite excited... even if it meant i had to have a week off training, but little did i know the week would turn into three :(

Bali is an interesting place, many Australians head to Bali for a cheaper holiday. My family and i had a wonderful holiday mid year up in Kalbarri, i loved it and all the activities we did from abseiling to 4WD quad biking and fishing, but lets face it when you can go overseas for the price of petrol to drive up North and an activity costs $250 in Kalbarri and $50 in Bali you can see why many people choose Bali.

We had a late flight leaving Perth at 5, i am not too good with planes so had Kyle holding my hand, and we arrived at 8.30pm. It was interesting arriving at night not really being able to get your bearings, but we found our hotel by transfer and settled in all a little weary but excited. We stayed at the Bali Rani hotel and spa in Kuta which was small but nice.

The days that followed were spent relaxing in the pool, shopping and bartering at markets, a trip out to Ubud, White water rafting, cycling from Kintamani and Ubud, seeing the Safari Park, lovely dinners and a massage, manicure, pedicure (minus the guys) and a flower bath! It was a wonderful time until we all got a dose of the dreaded Bali Bellie and some food poisoning one by one. They say day 4 is when you get it and it was day 4 the first 2 people got it. I was lucky i was only feeling unwell until we actually came back. We were lucky enough to spend New years in Kuta and spent it out at Oceans 27 club on the beach with a wonderful view of fireworks and an impressive bubble machine. I think most of us were ready to come back after a week there though after getting ill!

Kyle and I on the plane over...

Having breakfast over Kintamani volcano before cycling...

Emma, myself and Verity during our Ubud tour...

White water rafting!

Cycling through villages

New Years eve at the Oceans 27 club in Kuta

Our pool at the Rani Hotel and Spa

Bali markets

Holding the Orangutan at the Safari Park

I had a weekend to try get better before myself and Emma studying med with me (and also went to Bali) had a trip to Geraldton to continue a research project we are undertaking interviewing Aboriginal women and their experience of Menopause. The weekend before i had a trip to hospital with horrible epigastric pain and night sweats. What followed was horrible headaches/migranes, fatigue and a viral rash over my legs and arms... not much fun! I was getting convinced it was Dengue fever from Bali and once we drove home for 6 and a half hours at the end of the week i went straight to the doctors surgery to get checked out but 2 doctors did not know what it was! I went back Saturday to another doctor and got blood tests and a serology check for Dengue fever, it could be an unnamed virus. From that they found my liver function was mildly abnormal but that is normal with a virus but i'm not sure still whether it is dengue or not. It was a good experience in Geraldton and we have been learning so much, but the virus was a bit of downer on the trip. I was getting desperate to run and keep up my fitness too but i was soo tired!! head aches do not help either. So feeling ill and over it when i was finally home i did what helps best when i cannot exercise... i baked cupcakes! It was good therapy :)

Today after 2 and a half weeks of the odd walk i went for a run, but it left me exhausted, i only ran 5.5km on the tredmil. I am still not totally well but it is progress. I may not be able to get my goals for the summer track season for the 1500m but that is how it has worked out this year. It is not the end of my track running, just a step backwards before i can go forwards again next season stronger than before and of course viral free! Although i had a good season last year after getting shingles in Geraldton last January... viruses, they must love me :P